Script

B&W

(The detective is sitting in his office, smoking, when a woman runs in)

Voice over: I remember the day she came in like it was yesterday...

Woman: Detective! I need your help!

Detective: Well, you know I'd do anything to help a fine lady in distress.

W: (crying) My husband was murdered, you need to help me find the killer!

D: Well, this sounds like a high profile investigation to me. (takes off sunglasses and winks)

(Detective comforting woman and talking silently during voice-over)

V: She clearly needed the help of a real man, so of course I would consider her case. She told me her name was June, and she had been with her husband Richard for 3 years, until he was brutally murdered in their home last night. When I asked if there was anyone she suspected, she said:

W: (whispers) Well that's why I'm here, it could have only been 3 people. But I need your help to investigate them secretly. (hands over a list)

V: We discussed the shady characters on the list for a short time, and I told her I would take the case.

W: Oh thank you so much! (hugs detective, then leaves)

D: Time to get to work. (takes cigarette out from behind his ear and gets up)

(him walking to the club)

V: First on the list was Colonel Reginald Young, a self titled Colonel with a reputation for hanging out in bars on the daily. With any luck, I would find him here. (walks into bar)

D: (whispers to self) Just as I suspected... (takes out tic tac box, zoom in on that, takes a tic tac)

COLOUR

(walks up to Young) Would you care for a dance? (pulls him onto dance floor)

D: (whispers into his ear while slow dancing) Have you, by chance, ever used a butter knife before?

Colonel Young: Oh my God, I have. How did you know?

D: Nevermind that, the real question is, what is your favorite way to eat chicken?

CY: I think... chicken wings...

D: I just have one more question for you, and I need you to answer honestly Colonel. Would you ever use the word swag unironically?

CY: Well...yes...I might... (breaks down and cries)

(detective leaves bar)

V: I gathered a lot of highly important evidence from Colonel Young, but I still needed more. It was time to pay a visit to Mr. Grey.

(detective on the phone)

B&W

V: Mr. Grey, suspect number two, is a doctor, so I decided to set an appointment for questioning. Plus, I could also use a check up.

(gets out of car and walks into doctor’s office, sits in chair and takes a tic tac)

COLOUR

Nurse: Mr. Grey will see you now...

(walks into doctor's office)

Mr. Grey: Hello sir, please, take a seat in the chair. How are you feeling today?

D: No, Mr. Grey, how are you feeling today?

G: (lowers voice) Don't think I don't know why you're really here, detective.

D: Is that so? In that case, I'm sure you wouldn't mind answering a few simple questions.

G: Of course not.

D: Good, good. Now, are you a cat person or a dog person?

G: I guess a dog person.

D: I see. Honestly now Mr. Grey, if you were in a room made entirely of twinkies, what would you do? You can take a second to think about this one if you need.

G: Well, I think I'd...make myself a nice caesar salad.

D: I thought so... This is an important one here, so answer carefully. Mr. Grey, if you were a worm, how long would you be?

G: This is ridiculous and a waste of my time detective.

D: But I know you know the answer.

(camera zooms in on his face)

G: Well, some would see it as a measly 3 and a half inches, but I know for a fact I'd be a solid 5.

D: I couldn't agree more.

B&W

(detective leaves doctors office)

V: I was starting to see the big picture here, but I still needed a little more information to be sure. Thankfully, there was one more person on the list, Mrs. S. She was a young high school teacher, and I figured I'd have no problem fitting in in her class.

(enters classroom and sits at a desk, takes a tic tac then offers one to the kid beside him, who takes it and starts acting weird)

COLOUR

Mrs. S: (infront of a chalkboard) Hi guys! We have a new student in our class today! Everyone, this is-

D: That's enough about me.

S: Ok... well... is there anything you guys would like to ask our new friend?

D: I believe I'll be asking the questions around here, Mrs. S.

S: But-

D: No buts. Just think about this, what is a word that rhymes with test?

S: Um chest?

D: Ah yes ok. Tell me, what is the last fuzzy thing you touched?

S: I guess my cat?

D: Just as I suspected. Now I will not bother you for much longer, I just need to know, what is the longest you’ve gone without taking a bath?

S: I can’t tell you that!

(kid that took tic tac passes out)

S: Oh my god!

D: I believe it's time for me to leave.

B&W

(leaves classroom)

V: It was finally clear to me, I had cracked the case. Now I just needed to get them all together and break the news.

(Colonel Reginald Young, Mr. Grey and Mrs. S. standing in creepy basement looking confused)

(detective and woman walking together)

W: (holding detective's arm) Do you know who it was?

D: Don't worry, I've got it all figured out.

(they enter the basement)

D: Hello. I've gathered you all here today because I've figured out who commited the murder of Richard Applegate. After reviewing the evidence I have put together, I can see it clearly...

(silence)

D: It was... the butler.

Mr. Grey: Uh... none of us are butlers...

D: What? I could have sworn it was always the butler!

Mrs. S. : Are you even a real detective?

D: Uh well...

COLOUR

(has flashback to him sitting on the floor with stacks of books, reading one called "Sherlock Holmes : The Butler Strikes Again")

D: (looks up) I should be a detective.

(back to reality)

B&W

D: No, no I don't think I am.

W: Wait, then how did you get that suit and the detective office?

D: You know, that sounds to me like a mystery for a real detective.

(takes TIC TAC and leaves)

(everything fades away in colour)